Being one of the guys

BEING ONE OF THE GUYS

We women would love to be “one of the guys.” We can do everything men can do, right? Even if it means completely putting ourselves last? Why? We’re not men. Simple. Period. We’re women! Not men. And many of us are mothers, too. And that’s something we should appreciate. We have talents that men don’t have—and vice versa. Yeah, really :-)

ONE OF THE GUYS

I, too, used to be “one of the guys.” Raised in a family of entrepreneurs, sandwiched between two brothers, “whining” wasn’t really an option. “Don’t whine and just keep going” was the motto. There’s nothing wrong with that motto in itself—after all, I often use it with my own kids. But this motto didn’t really encourage my gentle, feminine side. Anyway, I had to hold my own among my brothers, who thought it was pretty fun to tease their little sister every now and then. Don’t get me wrong—it made me a lot more quick-witted, and I love them very much. But whining—or “crying”—just wasn’t an option. It’s made me who I am. Over the years, I’ve learned to develop my softer side. (Of course, I’ll never be a total softie, haha.)

Because of how I was raised, I’ve become very direct—not insincere, not mean, just direct. Just like men tend to be, actually. Saying exactly what you think, without mincing words, and then moving on. Some men were put off by me, while others actually thought I was cool. They quickly saw me as “one of the guys.” But among a large group of women, I was seen as “bitch.” Back then, I had no idea why, because I didn’t say anything mean. Eventually, I realized it was my directness and my sometimes slightly gruff demeanor that did it. At the time, I was totally fine with that. I fit in—with the guys, that is. Cool and tough!

YEARS LATER...

Years later, married and a mother of three, life was going great for me. After each birth, I was back at work within 10 days at most. Staying home wasn’t an option. I didn’t want that anyway—I loved working. And I loved (and still love) my kids more than anything. It all went really well for me. Working full-time, taking care of the kids, and putting a fresh meal on the table every night. After all, we have to eat healthy. Yet many people who didn’t know me well still saw me as a bitch. But why? I was a mother by then and had already softened quite a bit.

After a few coaching sessions and a visit to a psychologist, I realized that I wasn’t allowing myself to feel my emotions.Yeah, duh…after all, I didn’t have time for that. My busy schedule really didn’t allow for it. And when you don’t let others see much of who you really are, people naturally slap a label on you. So, “bitch”… During that time, I became more interested in personal development. I read books on the subject and continued to grow as a person. For example, I recently read Sheryl Sandberg’s book *Lean In* and recognized a lot of myself in it.

SHERYL SANDBERG

Sheryl Sandberg is an entrepreneurial mom who holds a pretty demanding job as COO at one of the world’s most famous companies: Facebook. In her book, she recounts how she started working at Facebook, which at the time had only 550 employees. A startup—a real challenge, in other words. But what often happens at startups is that people work 24/7. As a working mom in a regular job, it’s often a challenge just to plan everything properly. But as a mother of two growing children at a startup, that’s literally like competing in the Olympic Games in the PLANNING event. As a woman, she was also pretty hard on herself and, naturally, didn’t want to let anyone down—as a woman and as a mother.

“The first year at Facebook was really hard. I know I’m supposed to say ‘challenging,’ but ‘really hard’ is more accurate. Following Mark’s (Facebook’s CEO) example, many technical people at the company worked through the night. If I scheduled a meeting with someone for 9:00 a.m., they wouldn’t show up because they assumed I meant 9:00 p.m. I had to be there whenever the others were, and I was afraid that if I left the office too early, I’d come across as a hypersensitive—and old—fussbudget.” “

—Sheryl Sandberg in *Lean In*

She planned like crazy just to be home on time, even sacrificing sleep so she could still have dinner with her growing children. Due to the startup’s 24/7 mentality, her personal plans kept falling through more and more often. At home, things were basically going well; her loving husband took care of the children. He appreciated her ambition and drive. But she wasn’t doing so well herself, she writes. Something had to change. Over the years, she had learned that if she wanted to change something, she had to change herself. And that’s exactly what she did. She forced herself to leave the office by 5:30 p.m. as often as possible. She felt guilty, and it was difficult at first, but she managed. Of course, she still worked more than 40 hours a week. After all, Facebook is available 24 hours a day, so she worked at other times.

DON’T WHINE

That “don’t whine” mindset will never leave me. I, too, will always feel guilty. It works differently for men; their sense of guilt is much less than ours as women. But I am a woman, a mother, and an entrepreneur. These days, I have much more understanding for myself and other women. Sometimes you just can’t do everything at once, and that’s okay. Is everything falling apart? Then I pause for a moment and ask myself why it’s falling apart. I force myself to think it through and see how I can approach things differently. Often, I take a short break. Rest in the form of sleeping in, working out, watching “Say Yes to the Dress,” or binge-watching without guilt. Of course, it sounds strange—that takes even more time. But you have to give your mind a break; it works wonders. It’s that rest that’s crucial for your growth. Your personal growth, but also the growth of your motherhood, your children, your relationship, your ambitions, your ideas, your business, and so on.

SO…

If you sometimes find yourself struggling with managing your time or your behavior ;-) here are a few tips from experience to make it all a little easier.

• Lady… take your personal life seriously. You really don’t want people around you who don’t respect that. You can always find a balance. You just have to take a moment to figure it out. So take time to reflect on your work-life balance. See where things are getting stuck and try to find a solution. Talking about it helps, too.

• If things aren’t working out according to your schedule, sit down and figure out what you can do differently. For example, I completely removed email from my phone. Wow—that really gave me peace of mind!

• You’re a woman, a mother—that’s a primal feeling. Accept that. Don’t feel guilty. We ladies just do things differently. You don’t have to be “one of the guys.” You’re a woman, after all! Damn, and what a woman! Yesss

Have a nice day,

Love, Nicole

The inspiring book LEAN IN by Sheryl Sandberg is available for around €15 atBol.com.